Flying Again!

I return to you after a lengthy period of silence. Call it what you will but I've been suffering from a real dearth of writing inspiration and would rather post nothing than some mindless drivel to fill in the space.

Having said that, I'm still stuck so I'm going to give the drivel a go in the hope it will spark off some creative energy. I really need to write.

So, what's news with me? Well, after a couple of years out of it I've revalidated my pilot's license and gotten back up there in a big way. Part of me thought that flying as a hobby, which in the UK is prohibitively expensive, was something I can't afford at the moment and that there would be some maturity in being able to give it up. That's turned out to be a load of nonsense. I really missed it and whether I want to call it a lack of maturity or not it turns out that being a pilot is a really important part of me.

I was flying again on Sunday with my favourite instructor of all time to practise my forced landings and just generally polish things up. During the flight he suggested to me that we practise recovering from a spiral dive. Reheheally I thought, sounds intriguing. Dear G-d it was fun! I once did a little aerobatics and thoroughly enjoyed it, those memories were awakened by this little experience and the urge to get more into aerobatics grabbed me by the...hand and hasn't really let go. Something to hold onto for a time when I'm earning a decent wage.

Banking the aircraft over into a 60 degree turn and then pulling G in an attempt to pull the nose up...this is what leads to a spiral dive. The airspeed goes through the roof and altimeter crashes through the floor. Left unchecked you'll soon be a smoking hole in the ground. So, throttle back, level the wings, then pull the nose up gently. Let the speed drop below 100 knots then throttle up and climb away. Simple and straightforward, but to someone who generally navigates from A to B, straight and level, it was tremendous fun. By the time we landed I was asking him to show me how to recover from a spin! Another time perhaps...

At the end of our flight on Sunday (after only two hours together, turns out it's a lot like riding a bike) he pronounced me ready to go! I've got my wings back and it really feels great. Many before me have waxed lyrical about the joys of flying, I know why. There's something profound about strapping a plane to your back (the planes are pretty small) and flying wherever the fancy takes you. There's a tremendous sense of peace to be gotten from looking down at the rolling British countryside from 2400ft with all your worries back on the ground with all the earthbound people. The rumble of the engine through my headset, the familiar smell of the cockpit, the comforting sound of other pilots on the radio. It's an intoxicating place to be.

Say hello to my little friend,


I've spent some truly happy times in that little plane and have developed a real attachment to old 'Zulu Oscar'. Here's to many more years of happy flying in her!

Oh, and one more picture that I took from the cockpit. This is the mouth of the river Thames on the east coast. I'm at around 2,200ft flying in from the East and the town to the right, through the clouds, is Southend.



...Wow! Would you bleedin' credit it? Just rambling led somewhere meaningful. Time to change the title from 'Various and Sundry' to something more appropriate.

Not Dead Yet

No, really, I'm not. I know I've been quiet of late. Please don't think this means I've given up on the blogging lark, I haven't. Most other blogs I read are generally about the day-to-day life of the blogger. My life isn't that interesting, which is why I've focussed on what interests me rather than what happens to me.

The truth is that much of what is meaningful in my life I can't write about. I'm a therapist in advanced training. I can't really talk about the training because what goes on is confidential and, rather worryingly, provides me with perhaps the greatest source of inspiration, meaningful relationships and sense of belonging I have right now.

I most certainly can't talk about my clinical work for very obvious reasons.

So, what's left? At the moment a lot of personal struggle, emotional pain and no small amount of frustration. I know that some people use that in blogs to great effect. I don't believe I'm one of them. It's not that I'm incapable of speaking openly. It's that I'm not willing to put deeply personal material on the interwebs for all to see, I just don't feel safe to do it. Besides which, it really isn't that interesting.

So, please bear with me. The inspiration to write, to be creative, will return.

I hope.

The Arms Trade Equivalency

I hope you'll forgive the Big Bang Theory-esque title but I've been on a bit of a Big Bang Theory bender for the last two weeks.

This is actually a serious topic but the scale of moral bankruptcy at the heart of the international arms trade is so horrendous as to border on the farcical, hence the comedy title. The more one explores this particular business the more one is forced to recognise that this 'civilised' world of ours is so much horse manure. The men and women in this trade aren't evil in the traditional sense of the word though those at the top certainly come close. They have families, they sing lullabys to their kids, give to charitable causes, help old ladies cross the road and when you pass them on the street they, generally speaking, don't reek of brimstone.

And yet they are involved in the most legal-yet-heinous trade imaginable. There are a number of books on the topic as well as this recent expose on how the UK governement has set up a Quango (Quasi non governmental organisation) to facilitate the growth of such companies. When I read the expose I wanted to say to its author, dude, this isn't news. Our government and governments all over the world have been bending over backwards for the arms trade since time immemorial. Despite all the exposes, books & documentaries it has continued, nay, expanded exponentially!

Make no mistake, weapons are necessary. Therefore their trade is necessary. What I'm talking about is the utter lack of regulation or even the whiff of moral guidance at the heart of this trade.

However, when such people are pinned down and asked how they live with themselves when they knowingly sell weapons to regimes with records of gut wrenching human rights abuses they answer, almost to man/woman "Well, if I don't sell them the weapons someone else will. So I may as well make the money and then use it to right all wrongs."

Okay, arms dealers don't say that last bit but governments do. They say, well, the arms trade is a reality that isn't going to change anytime soon. Why would we close off this huge potential revenue for our economy when everyone is in on the game? Let's sell weapons to all and sundry and in addition to then knowing what they have, including strengths and weaknesses, we will have loads of money available to combat their evil in other ways. I mean after all if we don't sell them guns, aircraft, tanks etcetera someone else certainly will.

Here's the bugger though. I can't argue with that. I really want to but the logic seems flawless. If Britain (Her arms dealers anyway), for example, decided to bow out of the unregulated arms trade and agreed to sell weapons only to those who they are confident will use them for self defence or some other morally defensible use, then Britain will lose out billions of pounds and do absolutely nothing, nothing at all, to stop the sale of arms to 'nations of concern'.

And so, Britain makes no effort to change and in fact goes out of its way to support an unregulated arms trade and so does everyone else because there is little point in doing otherwise. In addition, the tax earned on these huge arms deals can be used to support much needed change in countries of concern. Then, should the government have a brief call of conscience and decide to go into said country and clean things up they will be intimately familiar with the weapons being pointed at their soldiers. That last comment is only slightly tongue-in-cheek.

Can anyone answer this question, what is the flaw in the argument presented above? There needs to be flaw!

I can think of one reason to stop the unregulated trade. It's morally wrong to sell weapons to people who will use them for evil purpose regardless of how you'll lose out monetarily. It's really as simple as that, however, I need a counter-argument that will leave a mark on people apparently not swayed by ethical or moral concerns.

We call them politicians.

An Election of Personalities

For those of who live somewhere else on this planet of ours, Great Britain aka the United Kingdom aka England...bloody hell, why do we have so many names?! ...Anyway, we British types are about to have our general election.

On May 6th people all over the country will be entering a polling booth and putting a mark next to their candidate of choice and so will a new government be born, we hope. However, one theme that I keep hearing from journalists, print, radio & television, is their concern that politics, and more specifically the election, is fast becoming a game of personalities over policies. This is generally spoken of in what I feel is a rather superior, smug tone that tells you in no uncertain terms that they will be voting based solely on the candidates policies.

Well, how lovely for them. I started thinking, what do I look for in a candidate? Am I persuaded by personality or policy or both? And if it is personality alone that hooks me, is that a bad thing?

No, I don't believe it is a bad thing. I believe an ideal would be to pay close attention to both but if I make my decision based on my perception of their personality it is a valid use of my vote. Why? Well, a big part of our personalities is our collection of values, morals and beliefs with which we face the world and make decisions. In an ever changing world I use the moral compass that my upbringing, learning and experience has given me to decide what's right, what's wrong and what's somewhere inbetween.

When I base my voting decision on personality, it isn't a case of 'ooh he has a nice smile'. It's about my belief that this candidate seems to share my values, my view of the world. I say belief because we never entirely know what goes on in what Terry Pratchett so poetically calls 'the darkness behind the eyes'.

Today's news is full of Gordon Brown's microphone gaff in which, forgetting that he had a mic pinned to his lapel, made a critical remark about a voter he had just spent some time with. This has of course created an uproar about the difference between his public and private face. Let me tell you something, our public faces are no less a part of us than our private faces. Ian Dunt, editor of the excellent Politics.co.uk, has written a very eloquent article addressing the hypocrisy of the media in holding Mr. Brown to standards that few human beings achieve in a lifetime.

Okay, I'm getting off my point so back to it.

My point is this, policies change, the world is ever changing. Basing my vote purely on policies that may well prove unrealistic, no longer necessary or even based upon flawed reasoning seems foolish. However, if I choose a candidate based on my perception of his/her personality or put another way, the collection of values and beliefs that forms the core of their decision making selves then at least I know that regardless of what the world throws at us this person will make a decision based upon a similar set of values to my own.

What more can I realistically ask for in so uncertain a world?

DearthCon 2010

I know it's been a short while since I last posted but rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated. I've been really busy and, if I'm honest, trying to recover from a touch of burnout.

Okay, now that I've made my excuses I can get to my point. No, I'm not announcing a new convention in the UK as the title of this post may suggest.

I am in fact mourning the utter dearth of good scifi/fantasy conventions in this part of the world with my own inimitable literary excretions. I have searched this great interwebs of ours to see what was on offer and recently came across one that gave me some hope. Eastercon 2010 a.k.a Odyssey 2010 at the Radisson Edwardian Hotel near Heathrow in London. I couldn't go for the first two days but I was hoping to go on the Sunday with some like minded friends.

So, the night before we checked out the following day's programme to see what we could look forward to...well long story short. Nothing. Unless of course I wanted classes in BDSM, yes seriously. What the hell that has to do with SciFi or fantasy I have no idea but there it was on the schedule along with Ikea classes and other assorted nonsense. Most of the good talks were over and done with on day one of the convention followed by two more days of almost unbroken banality. My narrowly avoided experience is echoed by this blog post written by author extraordinaire Graham McNeill.

The convention before that, for me anyway, was the MCM Expo. I went there very excited and returned thoroughly underwhelmed. I was worried about spending too much money, I needn't have. There was nothing there worth buying. In the end I bought a hardback copy of the Watchmen graphic novel just so I could pretend excitement about the whole day.

To be honest some of this is a case of "take a cell/mobile phone into a third world village for the first time" syndrome. What I mean is that before I was made aware of what the world has to offer in terms of conventions, and by 'the world' I mean the ol' US of A, my standards and expectations were set really low. However, now that I maintain an online 'connection' with the likes of Felicia Day, Wil Wheaton, Scott Kurtz, Mike & Jerry at Penny Arcade (all convention stalwarts) and see the amazing...yeah I'll say it, inspiring conventions that they attend and in the case of Penny Arcade Expo, make, and frankly my old two cans and piece of string setup just don't cut it anymore. I want an all singing, all dancing mobile phone! Or, metaphor aside, a decent convention with decent guests about more than just SciFi/fantasy books!

Convention organisers, how about paying attention to the ever growing gaming culture, whether computer/console or tabletop? I think I remember Jerry Holkins (it may have been Mike Krahulik) once saying that Penny Arcade Expo aka PAX was the convention that should have existed but didn't. Sadly we in the UK lack the visionary types like Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik to make the convention that is so sorely lacking here.

I think the reality is that geeks, already a (vocal) minority, are really small in the UK compared to the States. I think convention organisers look at their marketing numbers and give up. I think they're wrong.

There are more of us than you think. You build a decent convention that really represents the geek scene, invite some of the names I've mentioned above and we will come. In a comment I left on her blog, Felicia Day told me that she would love to come to the UK for a convention appearance.

Would someone please make the convention that doesn't exist but really should here in the UK? I would, I've honestly thought about it, but my time is spoken for.

Is it only the Americans that have what it takes to celebrate everything geek?

The Frustrations of Fanhood

I'm not certain that Fanhood is even a word...well let's say it is now. I read a really great blog post tonight about something that is rather close to my heart. I'm not entirely certain why...okay I am, but I don't really want to share it with everyone.

Written by someone who I only know by the Twitter handle of @shockingblu it is a wonderful personal exploration of her experience of being a fan. A music fan, a TV show fan, a scifi fan and so on.

What Miss Blue has said really strikes a chord with me. You should read her post yourself because it is both eloquent and well written but I will, very briefly, summarise what I feel is her key point. For her being a fan isn't about collecting fan points by meeting your heroes in 'drive by' opportunities so often found at conventions or book signings. It's about wanting to forge a genuine connection with someone whose work has inspired and moved you.

Amen to that Miss Blue!

I don't bother with signings and conventions. Don't get me wrong, I go to conventions but I never queue up to see my hero/heroine (on the exceedingly rare occasion that any of them come to the UK). Why? Because what I really want is to have a chat with them about their work and their world, to gain an insight into their own personal inspirations and perhaps to share with them how what they do every day moves me. This is simply never going to happen. What will happen instead is that I will appear before them with a queue waiting impatiently behind me, make around twenty seconds of small talk while they sign whatever piece of random merchandise I've brought for signing and then move on. Right now I can't really think of a more unsatisfying and frustrating experience.

Miss Blue is also spot on about the average celebrity's (internet or otherwise) guarded approach to fans. Please don't get me wrong, they must be guarded. Their reputation, public perception and sometimes personal safety can be on the line when dealing with fans. The sad consequence of this is that I will, no, must be treated the same way as anyone else. It's the nature of the business.

To be clear, I'm not necessarily talking about any kind of friendship. I'm one of millions and I have it on good authority that people can only maintain relationships with around 150 people at a time. What I'm talking about is a connection, even a fleeting one. A genuine connection to another human being is a rare and precious thing and no less so for being brief. Rather than signing my 'whatever' I'd prefer to have a candid five minute chat but that isn't what's on offer and according to Miss Blu and based on my limited experience I agree with her, it isn't what most fans want.

Do you know I've never understood the point of the autograph? What's it supposed to be? Proof positive that I've met the undersigned? As if my life is populated with friends who wouldn't believe me without proof? Is it to prove it to myself, a record of an experience? I don't need it!

Let me share with you something that happened to me about six months ago at the MCM Expo. I went along primarily because it was a scifi/gaming convention and as such was a rare creature in this country. Use 'em or lose 'em! I was also tempted to go by the announcement that Terry Farrell and Nicole DeBoer would be in attendance. I loved their work on Star Trek Deep Space Nine and laughed a great deal at Terry Farrell's work on Becker. In my heart of hearts I knew I'd not get the chance to really see or speak to them but hope is sometimes a terrible thing and so off I went. Truth to be told, I didn't even set eyes upon them until the last hours of the day and the only opportunity on offer was to have your picture taken with one or both of them. I wasn't really interested in a picture but, again, that's what was on offer so I stood near the stand and thought about it. I watched them with the guy before me and they seemed animated and engaged and I thought, hey let's say hi and tell them how much I've enjoyed their work. So I said to the tired and harried woman taking bookings, yes please.

What then became clear to me was that the animation I'd witnessed was mostly inspired by their belief that they had taken their last picture after a long day...it seems they were not thrilled by the thought of one more short, fat fanboy wanting a picture. Terry Farrell handled it with what I felt was real grace under the circumstances, Miss DeBoer on the other hand dealt with it by ignoring me completely.

Do you know something, I don't blame her at all. After a day of being treated, I suspect, much like a piece of meat for people to score celebrity points off she must have been ready to split. I look at that picture now and am reminded of an embarassing and thoroughly unsatisfying experience and what's more I didn't say more than two words to either of them. Connection? I shudder to think about how far from that lofty goal I was. Keep the pictures and authographs, spare me two minutes of your time for a genuine conversation. That's what is meaningful to me.

I wonder if the people I've come to so admire, Felicia Day, Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik, Tom Siddell & Wil Wheaton for example, have a different experience of and with fans? I suspect that they experience fans who are more like Miss Blue and I than any of the variety that Miss Blue so vividly describes. And yet, the result is much the same. They can only be spread so thin, they cannot possibly connect with the millions who admire their work and want a connection...I realise I'm not painting a very hopeful picture.

So what's left for the admiring fanboy/girl? Well, I suppose to admire from a great distance. To take inspiration while being sure to say thanks. And to be grateful that there are people in the world who you're inspired by, even if you are never to make a personal connection.

A frustration of the human condition I suppose.

What Do You Do?

Can you think of a more ubiquitous question when meeting someone new? It seems that we're driven to define ourselves by what we do for a living. I think that this is part of a powerful need to maintain a static, unchanging image of ourselves. The reality that new experience changes us all the time is too unsettling and so we search for clear definitions. I'm a lawyer, accountant, doctor etc etc. How limiting is that?!

It's also something about the western worship of money. If some of what you 'do' doesn't produce the green, well, it's basically a waste of time. "No, no Phil don't get us wrong" some well meaning acquaintances will say, "it's nice but where's the bottom line?"

I'm far from immune to this phenomena, in fact I know that much of my life has been a mad scramble to define myself in clear and unequivocal terms and prove that I can earn a living. It's only now with the little maturity that has crept up on me that I find myself rebelling against this drive. What do I do? Just once I'd love to answer, "me? Oh, I'm a gamer/blogger/writer" and stand there as they try to work out where the money is. This is followed by the delightful moment when they say, with a perplexed look on their face, "no, I meant what you do for a living?"

Tee hee, I think I'll save that one for someone heinously pretentious :)

What got me thinking about this was, once again, Wil Wheaton. He wrote a post tonight about some sage advice he received from an acting teacher. The advice was to make sure there was a space in your life to do what you do for the love of it, not just for money. And, of equal importance, not to allow yourself to be defined entirely by what you do. To find something else you're passionate about and get to it. In Wil's case what he did back then was, of course, acting and the teacher's words were geared towards that but I think it's clear from his blog that he sees this as good advice to anyone who has a creative streak or does something creative for a living.

Don't just be defined by your day job or the need to earn money, explore your depths and discover new interests and passions! Do them for the sheer joy of it. Expand your self-definition to such an extent that you lose sight of the boundary. That way when someone inevitably says "what do you do?" You can answer, with a knowing smile, "lots of stuff!"

This is a fairly rambling rant about what his post brought up for me, I hope it's of some interest.